Notes of a Cranky  Old Fag

by Simon Sheppard

originally published 9/7/2010

Back in the W. Days, President Bush had no problem coming up with a simple—not to say simple-minded—reason why Islamic militants were jihading against us virtuous 'Murricans: They hate us for our freedom.

And, well, yeah…they kinda do. Which is to say that, among other things, they despise American women for being leg-baring, hairdo-exposing sluts. At least that's the party line.

That did not, of course, keep the 9/11 hijackers, whilst gearing up in Florida, from reportedly buying porn videos, hiring hookers, and hanging out at lapdance bars. So "hate," at least in their case, would seem an oversimplification. "Envy," perhaps, would come closer to the mark. Or "Resent the fact that America is one sodomitical sewer, but Allah hasn't gotten around to sending down the brimstone." Not that that kept them from wallowing in cunt during their pre-Paradise last days.

This sort of hypocritical nonsense is all too familiar to queers. It's an article of oft-fulfilled faith that the homophobes who rail most loudly against orgasmic Oreos are the ones most likely to be discovered with their dicks in the carnal cookie jar. The parallels may not be exactly exact: Ted Haggard, of course, does not know how to pilot a jetliner, and for that we should all perhaps be thankful.

Still, the sheer animus blatted out by hardcore antigay assholes may have a cause besides Biblical blather, prim prudishness, or even the deep-rooted fear that one may not, in fact, be as straight as all that. See, one of the big bludgeons deployed against queers—or, more specifically, gay men—is that we homos are just big old promiscuous perverts who wouldn't recognize fidelity if it bit us on our well-lubed asses.

And it turns out, despite the protests of some of the pro-same-sex marriage crowd, that it's pretty damn true. Scientifically proven, in fact. A recently published study conducted by researchers at San Francisco State who tracked 556 gay couples over a three-year period concluded that, "about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners.” And not only did the researchers conclude that the sleep-around guys were just as happy as their monogamous counterparts, they noted that a 1985 study showed that open gay relationships actually outlasted monogamous male couples.

Now, none of this is exactly news among us queer men. Hell, we'd be lots more gobsmacked by proof that Kevin Spacey is straight. One may argue that the prevalence of open relationships is due to a number of factors. That men (of whatever orientation) are simply not evolutionarily designed for monogamy. That, seeing as how gay relationships have traditionally been outside the pale anyway, we get to make up whatever rules work for us. Or, more judgmentally, that we're a bunch of immature, narcissistic sluts.

Whatever the causes, news of the study caused a bit of a kerfuffle. Gay-marriage supporters worried that the familiar-but-inconvenient truth was Bad For The Queers. Opponents of same-sex marriage harrumphed that it just proved that "gay marriage" was indeed an oxymoron, and an immoral one at that. And others of us wondered when the boyfriend would be out of the apartment so we could invite a sexbuddy over.

When the news of the study hit, my sweetie, who'd always agreed with me that our relationship would be open, opined, "If we had tried to be monogamous, we wouldn't still be together." I do believe he's probably right. Which is to say that he and I are happy, horny cockhounds who happen to love each other immoderately and are totally, though not exclusively, devoted to one another. But hey, I have a lot of respect for monogamous couples who make it last, too. Just as I have respect for those of us who aren't coupled. Whatever gets your Kleenex sticky.

And homophobes? I'm increasingly coming to believe that, yes, they hate us for our freedom. They do. Especially the male-type homophobes. Envy us. Resent us. Envy us our relatively carefree promiscuity, our not having to deal with differing gender-based standards of fidelity. Resent the fact that we gays get to settle down and still get to tomcat around…without lying, cheating, or paying a pro.

Mr. Married Fagbasher, sitting there typing out nasty notes to an online message board? Don't you think that, if he were honest with himself, he'd admit he would love to go to a freeway rest stop, walk into the men's room, whip it out, get blown, and walk away, no questions asked? Oh wait, that's what he's already doing…pretty much like those 9/11 pussy pirates did in Jacksonville.

Yes, in all fairness, our Islamic enemies, despite their general fucked-up fanaticism, do have a few reasons to hate us besides a dildo store in Daytona Beach. Imperialism. Globalism. The sort of arrogance that leads us to say, "They hate us for our freedom."

Homophobes, by contrast, have precious few plausible reasons to dislike gays. Making Liza a star, maybe. Bad disco. Dealing with the expectation that men don't necessarily have to be unkempt, out-of-shape shlubs. The missus using the Tivo to record Project Runway instead of Cops.

Nope, those aren’t the real reasons why homophobes despise us, and neither is Leviticus 18:22. Boys, they envy us for our licentious liberty. Yes, it's strangely gratifying to know that the homophobes hate us for our polesucking, rumphumping, fisting-party freedom.

Oh, and Richard Simmons.


copyright 2010 by Simon Sheppard