Notes of a Cranky  Old Fag

by Simon Sheppard

originally published 9/20/10

Well, well, well. It comes as no surprise that the Director of Issues Analysis of the frothingly anti-queer American Family Association, one Bryan Fischer, hates Muslims, as well.

Well, not "hates," since hatred is just so fucking non-Christian.

He simply wants all them filthy rag-heads gone. For their own good.

It's worth quoting at length the depths to which his fellow-feeling runs. "The most compassionate thing," says Fischer, "we can do for Muslims who have already immigrated here is to help repatriate them back to Muslim countries, where they can live in a culture which shares their values, a place where they can once again be at home, surrounded by people who cherish their deeply held ideals. Why force them to chafe against the freedom, liberty and civil rights we cherish in the West?"

Indeed. Why can't all those godless God-worshipers head back to Pakistan and Syria, places where we queers are treated, um, pretty much precisely the way the AFA would like us to be treated here?

But then, as we all know, cocksuckers aren't entitled to Western-style civil rights, much less freedom and liberty. After all, Allah—um, that should read "Yaweh"—says so.

Then there's Terry Jones, the not-the-sharpest-knife-in-the-drawer Gainseville, Florida pastor who's gotten entirely too much airtime for threatening to burn the Quran. Is it any surprise that, even before he decided to incinerate Allah, Jones' holy panties were in a twist over the fact that the mayor of his hometown is a full-fledged, unrepentant Sodomite?

No, brothers and sisters, it is not even a weeny bit surprising, hallelujah! It may not be a small world after all, but homophobia is one thing can bring together the bearded mullahs and the holy rollers. Because—praise Jesus—even those benighted monotheists who follow Muhammad instead of Glenn Beck have an occasional good idea.

Like outlawing faggotry, for instance, and maybe hanging its adherents.

So Newt "I cheated on my wife but that doesn’t count" Gingrich fulminates that the controversial Lower-Manhattan mosque shouldn't be built until Saudi Arabia is dotted with churches? Well, how about I oppose the building of churches anywhere in the homo-hating Bible Belt until there's a gay bar on every corner in Riyadh? Yea, verily, I demand the right of all my brothers everywhere to get down on their knees with their mouths open—and not to chow down on the Eucharist.

But, thank Heaven, not every no-necked Christbot is as infernally inconsistent as freedom-loving Fischer or as hypocritical as the Newtster; there's just so much cognitive dissonance a poor old homo like me can take. No, there are repression-all-the-way folks like Christine O'Connell, a GOP teabagger who's running for Senator from Delaware. Not content with gay-baiting her GOP opponent, O'Connell has also taken a courageous, dare one say "lonely," stance against pud-pounding.

Explains O'Connell, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can’t masturbate without lust. The reason that you don’t tell [people] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside of marriage is because again it is not addressing the issue. You’re just gonna create somebody who is, I was gonna say, toying with his sexuality. Pardon the pun."

Sure, girlfriend, I'll pardon the pun if you'll excuse me for referring to you as a "dildo." Oh wait; that's insulting to sex toys, which actually give pleasure. Sorry, vibrators.

What lies underneath this pernicious bullshit, of course, is crippling insecurity about the flesh and its desires, mistrust of one's own body. And a certain theological conundrum: if God is so goddamn good, then why is there evil in the world? Why, pray tell, should we worship some skydude who created cancer and crab lice? Well, way back when, coupla thousand years ago, Gnostics theorized that physical existence was not a creation of the all-good almighty Himself, but of an inferior, perhaps even evil, demiurge. Problem solved. And when Christianity solidified its death grip on Western culture, bits of Gnosticism—despite its being labeled heresy—made it into the Finished Product. "The world, the flesh, and the devil," and all that.

(Distrust of lust is not merely monotheist mishigoss, granted. The Buddha himself believed that desire was an impediment to enlightenment, but at least he didn't think of it as a sign that the Devil's hand was on your dick.)

There's no doubt that sexual desire is not only powerful, but mysterious. As mysterious, dare one say it, as any other secret of the cosmos. Unsettling, even. And anything that threatens a religion's assumed death-grip monopoly on universal truth must be rigorously expunged.

Therefore, women, the source of lust for most—though not all, fer sure—Middle-Eastern men, must be covered up head to foot. Any challenge to the supremacy of one's favorite deity must be destroyed, whether by a Crusader's sword, a suicide bomb, or a lighted match. Homosex? It's just so fucking ungovernable, and can't even be rationalized away by the need to breed. And beating off? Wow! Talk about your self-love! We should be the brides of Christ, y'know, not the husbands of our well-lubed palms. There are no chicken-chokers in churches!

Since it's so hard to keep control over one's own crotch-bound impulses, hey, why not exert power over others' sexualities as well? Or—as is the case of so many ostensible prudes caught with their dicks in the cookie jar—instead?

Now all that remains is for some Christer to come up with a plan to deport everyone who plays with him/herself. There's a political program I could get behind; it sure would help alleviate traffic on the freeway.

Oh wait, I wouldn't be here in the Land of the Free, either. Oh well, I hear that Abu Dhabi is lovely this time of year.

copyright 2010 by Simon Sheppard